I do quite a bit of chatting online in the gay chat rooms, and whenever someone starts talking about how hard it is to find the perfect guy, I try to ask the same question: Would you date yourself?

In other words, are you the perfect guy (or gal) that you always talk about wanting? Are you attractive, or do you fundamentally feel that you’re entitled to someone that is more attractive than you are? Are you pleasant to be around, or do you think you should date someone who is more pleasant than you? You say you want someone to cuddle with you on the couch, but how often do you hold your friends when they’re hurting? You want a brilliant scientist or musician, but are you brilliant? Do you want someone who is more intelligent than you? In other words, do you want the perfect partner despite the fact that you are not the perfect partner?

I would ask you this next question? I promise, it’s not a trick question. What do you offer someone who would date or marry you? Are you a good listener? Are you very attractive and good in bed? Do you have interesting and intelligent things to say? What makes you a good partner?

Now, what are the areas that make you not so great? Are these things that you can work on?

The point of this article is not to berate you for aiming high; in fact, I think that’s far better than settling on someone that is not compatible with you. But I have found based on my own experience, that when I am focused wholly on my own pain, I cannot focus on the pain of others. When I am focused on others, that is when I can see the world focusing back on me, and I find I think about myself even less when I am happy.

So I propose this challenge to you: Make a list of all those things that you want in your partner, and then BE those things. Often, we want our partners to have characteristics that we lack ourselves so that we feel like a whole person when we’re with him or her. If, however, we are all the things that we want in a partner, then we can focus on whether or not we simply like the person that we’re interested in rather than trying to get a resume of traits and experience that we can proud of in them.

You see, I am a whole person, with or without a relationship. So are you! Do you believe that? It’s true. You are a whole person even outside a relationship. If you can take the time to focus on improving and loving yourself, then you will not be so obsessed over when you will find a boyfriend, girlfriend, significant other, husband, or wife. You will be happy in the moment. You will be happy with yourself.

I proposed a challenge above. I hope you will take me up on it. Make that list and be brave in making it! If you want a supermodel, then write it down. A college professor. Someone who listens. Then write it down, and be all those things. We learn from quantum physics (I think) that like energy attracts like energy. Although we have always heard that opposites attract, often that is not the case! Attractive people tend to end up with other attractive people. Educated people tend to have relationships with other educated people. Weak spiritual people are often with other weak spiritual people. That is why I have said it is so important to be the person you would want to date.

You will never be perfect; no one is. And that’s a good thing because you will always have room for improvement. Use that as an opportunity to continue to grow, and when you have grown enough, that special someone who has also been growing might show up in your life. Then you can have that fantastic relationship. Until then, use your time wisely rather than wallowing in pain from loneliness.