One of the executives discovered the error and sent a note to my boss saying that the e-mail needed to be re-sent. I told her that I would do so immediately, and that I would note in the e-mail that I had inadvertently sent it to the wrong list.

My boss told me that in the e-mail I needed to apologize for the error. I disagreed.

Let me state that is it actually not my ego that led me to feel I should not apologize. I have apologized a number of times in the past when I felt I had really done something to hurt other people. Apologies are a means to an end, not an end unto themselves.

When is it appropriate to apologize? Certainly if you do something that is unnecessarily hurtful to others, then you should apologize. The apology has the potential to improve your relationship with that person and show that you really care about them. In a sense, when you are hurtful to someone else, you can use that experience as an opportunity to drastically improve your relationship with that person. That relationship can even be better than it was prior to your mistake if you offer a sincere apology. That’s the true purpose of apology. To show that you care in a way that will improve relationships.

So why was it not necessary to apologize in the instance above? Mainly because I felt the executives would see it as groveling and an apology would actually inhibit them from maturing. If we apologize too much or for bad or no reason, apologies can actually ruin our relationships. They can give us the appearance of being slavish to people that will use that energy to feed their reasons for mistreating you. In that way, apologies are powerful whether or not they’re positive.

When deciding if you should apologize to someone, ask yourself the following questions:

• Is my ego preventing me from apologizing even though I owe an apology? Would an apology benefit my relationship with the person to whom I plan to apologize?

• Have I recently apologized to this person for something similar?

• Would a sincere apology appear to be melodramatic?

• Does this person’s personality yield that an apology might give them fuel to mistreat you in the future?

When deciding if an apology is necessary, you must carefully consider all these factors. Only then can you make an informed decision about whether or not it is in everyone’s best interest for you to apologize.